LET ME THROW UP A LITTLE

ANOTHER DAY OF WAKING UP TO STAY STILL,WOW THATS TOUGH! ALL I CAN DO IS SIT HERE  AND REFLECT ON HOW I GOT TO THIS POINT, AND THROUGH THE ANGER AND ANXIETY I CAN STILL (THANK GOD) SEE SOME LIGHT. LIKE I STATED BEFORE THIS IS A TOOL THAT I AM USING FOR "THERAPY" IVE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD HOW THERAPUTIC JOURNALING CAN BE AND I GUESS IM STARTING TO REALIZE JUST HOW BENEFICIAL IT CAN BE. ON THE OTHER HAND THE QUESTION MAY BE "WHY ONLINE",WELL FOR ONE I AM CHALLENGING A FEAR THAT I GUESS IVE ALWAYS HAD BUT NEVER WOULD COME TO TURNS WITH AND THAT IS TRULEY SHARING WITH PEOPLE WHO I AM, NOT MY PERSONALITY (BELIEVE ME THATS NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE), NOT MY VIEWS, BUT MY TRUE SELF MY TRUE SENSE OF BEING , ALL THE GARBAGE AND THE GOOD THAT DEVELOPED MY TRUE SENSE. SO I ACCEPT THAT CHALLENGE, I ALSO THOUGHT IF I COULD HAVE AN EFFECT OR ANY SENSE OF HEALING TO ANYONE WHO MIGHT RUN ACROSS THIS THEN ME PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE IS WELL WORTH THE STRUGGLE, AND PAIN. AS I EDUCATE MYSELF ON THIS "NEW PART OF MYSELF" CALL IT A SENSE OF DENIAL BUT IM NOT READY TO LABEL IT AS ANYTHING YET. ANYWAY AS I START TO EDUCATE MYSELF ON RSD I CANT DENY THE ANGER THAT COMES UP,FOR THREE YEARS I DID ALL I COULD BUT GET ON MY ONE KNEE AND BEG FOR HELP( THATS PROBABLY NOT TRUE BC  I PLEADED) THREE YEARS OF EXTREME KNEE PAIN, BUT ALWAYS TURNED AWAY BECAUSE I DIDNT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, OR THEY THINK YOUR A PILL POPPER. LET ME TELL YOU WHEN YOUR LOOKING IN A DOCTORS EYE AND BEGGING HIM TO HELP YOU,AND HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR YOU TO GIVE IN AND EVEN COME TO THE ER OR HOW HARD IT IS TO EVEN ASK FOR HELP, BUT STILL MANAGES TO THROW OUT THE WORDS "THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO FOR YOU" I DEVELOPED WHAT THEY CALL "WHIT COAT SYNDROME",(MAN THERE IS A NAME FOR EVERYTHING),BUT IT WAS TRUE BEFORE EVERY HOPEFUL DR'S APPT. (ME ALREADY HAVING HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE) I WOULD HAVE PANIC ATTACKS IN THE WAITING ROOM AND MY BP WOULD SPIKE TO ONCE 200/100 LET ME ADD I AM NOW 32. I WANT TO MAKE CLEAR THAT I DO BELIEVE THAT CERTAIN DR'S WERE SENT TO ME TO HELP BC THERE ARE A LOT OF FRUSTRATED DR'S OUT THERE WHO BELIEVE YOU,WANT TO HELP, BUT THERE HANDS ARE CLEARLY TIED. I THINK YOU'LL START TO SEE WHY I CALLED THIS ENTRY "LET ME THROW UP A LITTLE". ANYWAY I WAS IN SCHOOL TO FINISH MY REAL ESTATE LICENSE AND WAS WORKING FULL TIME,WE HAD A NICE SAVINGS ACCOUNT,LIVED ON THE BEACH, BUT NO INSURANCE. NOONE WOULD INSURE ME , WELL THEY WOULD, BUT NOONE WOULD COVER ANY SURGERY OR AFTER CARE BECAUSE THE "PRE-EXSITING" LABEL THAT WAS STAMPED ON MY RECORD. WELL IT GOT TO THE POINT WHERE I COULDNT WALK ANYMORE, THIS IS AFTER THREE YEARS OF ANY ACTIVITY, ICING MY SWOLEN FEET AND WATCHING MY KNEE CHANGE COLOR AS MUCH AS TEMPERATURE. I HAD ONLY ONE OPTION LEFT, ONE THAT MY PRIDE WAS TRYING TO AVOID FOR SO LONG, BUT COULD'NT AVOID ANY LONGER, I HAD TO QUIT MY JOB, CLAIM INDUGENCE, AND BEG THE COUNTY FOR HELP. STILL TO THIS DAY IT MAKES NO SENSE. IT PISSES ME OFF SO BAD, BECAUSE I SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO AVOID ANYTHING REMOTLY CLOSE TO THAT. I GOT INTRODUCED INTO MODELING AT A YOUNG AGE, IF IT WERENT FOR THE ATING DISORDER AND DRUG USE ISAW IN MY NEAR FUTURE I WOULD HAVE ACCEPTED THE DEAL IN THE MAKING AND IT WAS A NICE OFFER BEING INTRODUCED TO THE FASHION INDUSTRY BEING REP BY NEW YORK AND ITALY,BUT NOT FOR ME AND IM GLAD ABOUT MY DECISION, NO REGRETS. ONTO BREAKING MY BACK,BUT OPENING MY EYES TO A DIFFERENT ME, THEN GOING ONTO FL. WERE MY AUNT INTRODUCED ME TO THE WORLD OF DESIGN, BEING APART OF HUGE DESIGN PRODUCTIONS, BEING THE YOUNGEST AT A DESIGNER SHOWCASE AT THE RINGLING MANSION, ONTO STARTING MY OWN FAUX FINISHING COMPANY,AND THEN GETTING ACCEPTED TO ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGEUS DESIGN SCHOOLS IN CHICAGO. AFTER DECIDING MAYBE I LIKED DESIGNING MORE AS A HOBBY THEN A CAREER CHOICE I LATER DECIDED IN BETWEEN SOME SERIOUS DECISION MAKING ABOUT MY FUTURE THAT I WANTED TO EXPERIENCE OWNING A BAR. BARTENDING WAS ALWAYS FINANCIALY KIND TO ME IN AND OUT OF MY ENDEAVORS, AND I WAS VERY GOOD AT IT. SO THERE IT WAS I OWNED A BAR AT 26. BESIDES MEETING SOME EXTRAORDIANRY PEOPLE,AND MY BOYFRIEND (WHO IS AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE) OF 6 YEARS IT WAS TIME TO SELL, AND THE INJURY TO MY KNEE HAPPENED, SO IT SLOWED MY ABILITY AND INTEREST IN THE BIZ. OHHH MY RAMBLE MUCH MEREDITH WHERE WAS I , OHHH YEAH I WAS PISSED OFF- HA HA. I RESENTED THE DR'S, HOSPITALS,ANGERED THAT OUR COUNTRY COULDNT FIND ANY SOLUTION TO HELP ITS PEOPLE,PEOPLE WHO HAVE WORKED HARD, PAID TAXES,HAVE BEEN GOOD CITIZENS,SHIT HOW ABOUT NOT PLAY GOD AND HELP A HUMANS LIFE. I STARTED TO GET PISSED AT ALL THE CHARITY EVENTS I WOULD SEE FOR OTHER COUNTRIES ,AND IF YOU KNEW THE EXTREME LEVEL OF COMPASSION I HAVE FOR ANOTHERS LIFE YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND HOW THOSE FEELINGS MADE ME FEEL TERRIBLE. SO THERE IT WAS I CLAIMED INDUGENCE AND GOT MY SURGERY, FOLLED UP WITH PHYSICAL THERAPY, BUT NOW THE ECONOMY HAD COME TO ITS FULL DISFUNCTION. THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPLAIN WHAT LATER HAPPENED IS BY UNDERSTANING AND BELIEVING IN AHIGHER POWER(GOD) WHO I BELIEVE IN SO VERY MUCH, ALONG WITH MY ANGELS AND GUIDES WHO HELP ME EVERYDY. i FELT LIKE NO MATTER HOW MANY RESUMES, INTERVIEWS, SECOND INTERVIEWS, PROMISES BY HUGE COMPANIES AFTER I HAVE MADE PRESENTATIONS, IT DIDNT MATTER WHAT I DID SOMEONE DIDNT WANT ME IN FL ANYMORE AND THEY WERE MAKING IT VERY CLEAR. I HAD NEVER HAD SO MANY DOORS SLAM IN MY FACE, I WAS USE TO HARD WORK PAYING OFF IN PRETTY REMARKABLE WAYS, BUT THIS WAS DIFFERENT I COULD FEEL IT IN MY SOUL, I WAS SUPPOSE TO COME HOME. MIGHT I ADD BEING GONE FOR THREE YEARS THE AMOUNT OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS THAT MY FAMILY HAD GONE THROUGH WAS UNIMAGINABLE. MY BEAUTIFUL, MOST AMAZING STEP FATHER PASSED AWAY, AND MY MOM WAS AND IS STILL BROKEN OVER IT, WE ALL ARE FEELING THAT IMENSE LOSS, BUT HER ESPECIALLY. ALONG WITH MY GRANDPA AND COUSIN'S LOSS THINGS WERE TOUGH, MY MOM WAS ALSO HAVING SOME PRETTY SERIOS SURGERIES, AND IT WAS TIME TO COME HOME. NOW I KNOW IVE HAD SOME KIND OF GROWTH BECAUSE THE FACT THAT IM ABOUT TO ADMIT IM EXPERIENCING A LOT OF DISCOMFORT FROM SITTING HERE TYPING IS SOMETHING I WOULDNT HAVE ADMITED A WEEK A GO. SO TO BE CONTINUED........