SUNDAY

I WENT OUT WITH MY MOM TO HER FRIENDS LAST NIGHT, A VERY EASY NIGHT,CONSIDERING IT WAS MY THIRD TIME OUT OF THE HOUSE SINCE IVE BEEN HOME. THEY WERE VERY SWEET AND ACCOMODATING TO MY CONDITION ALWAYS HAVING MY LEGS UP AND SITTING. SO YOU WOULDNT THINK WHEN I GOT HOME IT LOOKED LIKE SOMEONE TOOK  A SWING AT MY ANKLES. THEY LOOKED SWOLLEN AND WELT LIKE, VERY ODD, THIS RSD. EVERYTIME I COME HOME FROM A PLACE ITS ALWAYS THE SAME THING SWOLLEN ANKLES AND KNEES BUT NOW THIS BLUEISH BRUSING AND WELTS ON MY ANKLES....LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH. ON A LITER NOTE I HAVE OFFICIALLY STARTED MAKING CANDLES FOR MY MEGA BIZ IN HOLISTIC HEALING SPECIALIZING IN AROMATHERAPY,HEE HEE HEE. NO BUT SERIOUSLY MY SISTER GOT ME THIS AMAZING BOOK ON ESSENTIAL OILS AND AROMATHERAPY AND A START UP KIT ON HOW TO MAKE CANDLES. I LOVED IT SO MUCH IM OUT OF WICK AND WAX, ITS GREAT I LOVE IT AND ITS SOMETHING IVE BEEN WANTING TO DO FOR A WHILE NOW. IVE LEARNED THAT LAVENDER HAS A VERY CALMING EFFCT ON NERVES SO IVE BEEN MAKING LAVENDER CANDLES. MY ROOMATE IN THE HOSPITAL IS INTO AROMATHERAPY AND SHE WANTS TO TAKE A CLASS TOGETHER AND GET INVOLVED, VERY COOL.. I CAN TELL IM STARTING TO RAMBLE BECAUSE MY WORDS ARENT COMING OUT THE WAY I WANT. I WILL END BY SAYING A PRAYER THAT GOD SURROUNDS ALL THOSE IN NEED WITH WHITE LIGHT AND LOVE AND THE DETERMINATION TO GET THROUGH NO MATTER WHAT THE OBSTACLE.

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!

IM GOING TO TRY TO KEEP THIS SHORT, EVEN THOUGH THIS BLOGGING THING HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT HEALING AND POSITIVE, ITS TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING FOR SOO MUCH EMOTION......DID THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?... ANYWAY THE BIG 33 TODAY , ITS FUNNY EVER SINCE I WAS A KID I ALWAYS WANTED TO TURN 33, FOR SOME REASON THAT SEEMED LIKE THE BEST AGE. ALTHOUGH 333 IS MY NUMBER I DONT THINK THERE WAS ANY CONNECTION AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE, JUST SIMPLY COULDNT WAIT TO TURN 33. I CAN SIT HERE AND SAY OHHH WOW WHOO KNEW IT WOULD BE THIS GREAT, CANT WORK , CANT LIVE, AND IN PAIN ALL DAY, BUT I REFUSE TO EVEN ALLOW MY BRAIN TO THINK THAT WAY. I HAD MY FIRST PT SESSION YESTERDAY AND I PROMISED MY THERAPIST I WOULD ONLY STAND AT MINS AT A TIME NOT EXCEEDING 8 MIN AND PROMISING TO SIT EVEN IF IT TOO HARD AFTER 30 SEC,,REGUARDLESS OF HOW HARD IT IS TO EVEN SAY THAT ALOUD, I PROMISE NOT TO VENTURE DOWN THAT NEGATIVE ROAD. WHAT I DO THINK IS THIS IS POSSIBLY ANOTHER EYE OPENER MAYBE ALL THE PASSION I FEEL INSIDE, ALL OF THE EXTREME ANXIETY AND FEELINGS I GET TO BECOME SOMETHING GREAT AND DO WONDERUL THINGS IS IN CORALATION TO THIS. MAYBE I WAS DOWN THE WRONG PATH, OR MAYBE I HAD TO GO DOWN THAT PATHTO LEARN ABOUT BUSINESS AND PEOPLE TO EXCELL IN MY FUTURE ENDEAVORS. I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THE CHALLENGE OF BUSSINESS EVERYTHING ABOUT IT, THE PRESENTATIONS, THE MEETINGS, THE SELLING, ETC, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO HELP PEOPLE, I ALWAYS HAD MORE OF AN INTEREST AND PASSION TO HELP PEOPLE, BUT NEVER KNEW HOW TO TIE IT TOGETHER. ONE THING I LOVED ABOUT OWNING THE BAR WAS I WAS ABLE TO ACHIEVE BOTH BY HOSTING CHARITY EVENTS AND BEING A PART OF ANY COMMUNITY OUTREACH I COULD BE A PART OF. BUT NOW WHAT..... WHAT IS ALL OF THIS FOR? I GUESS THAT IS WHAT IS SO VERY EXCITING ABOUT LIFE JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HV IT FIGURED OUT GOD SHAKES IT ALL UP AGAIN BECAUSE LIFE IS ALWAYS ABOUT A STATE OF LEARNING. SO GOD I PROMISE TO STAY POSITIVE, AND FOLLOW ALL MEDICAL RULES, AND CONTINUE TO BE OPEN TO YOUR WORDS, JUST PLEASE BE CLEAR ON WHAT IT IS IM SUPPOSE TO DO WITH ALL OF THIS AND I PROMISE TO SUCCEED AND EXCEL IN WHATEVER YOU THROW MY WAY.  ONCE AGAIN ANOTHER RAMBLE SESSION COMPLETED, IT FEELS GOOD!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY FELLOW PICSES MAY ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE!

A GOOD DAY

YESTERDAY WAS FULL OF EMOTIONS AND PAIN, I COULDNT SEEM TO GET COMFORTABLE, AND MY MENTAL STATE WAS A LITTLE UNSTABLE. THE FOLDERS OF MEDICAL APPLICATIONS AND FORMS AND BILLS WERE PILEING UP AND MAKING ME NOT THINK CLEAR. TO DAY WAS BETTER I FINISHED ALL MY FORMS AND GOT THE CORRECT INFO AND HELPFUL GUIDANCE FROM SUCH WONDERFUL PEOPLE ACTING AS A REP FOR ME. ALL THIS IS HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT, ASKING FOR HELP HAS ALWAYS BEEN SUCH A STRUGGLE, ACCEPTING IT ANOTHER BALL GAME. ALTHOUGH I DONT THINK GOD MADE THIS HAPPEN FOR THAT LESSON I DO THINK THERE ARE SOME DEEP ROOTED ISSUES THAT ARE SURFACING THAT MAYBE I DIDNT KNOW WAS BLOCKING MY GROWTH. I AM SO DETERMINED TO WHIP THIS DISABILTIY INTO REMISSION I AM NOT ONE TO SIT AROUND AND WATCH THE WORLD LIVE. I HAVE BEEN PUT ON PAIN MEDS AND SEEING A DOCTOR WHO SPECIALIZES IN PAIN MANAGEMENT FOR THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PART, I ALSO HAVE PHYSICAL THERAPY AND OCUPATIONAL THERAPY, I THINK WITH ALL OF THIS I WILL FIND A WAY TO BE COMFORTABLE AND STRONG ENOUGH TO CONTINUE BECOMING A SUCCESSFUL PERSON. MAYBE I HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT THE WORD SUCCESSFUL IN THE WRONG TEXT MAYBE ITS MY INNER STRENGHT AND MY EXTREME COMPASSION FOR PEOPLE IS WHAT WILL LEAD ME IN A MORE REWARDING DIRECTION. I WOULD LOVE TO SEEK OUT HELP FROM MY BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS WHO HAVE KNOWLEDGE IN THE MORE HOLISTIC APPROACH. I AM A BELIEVER IN THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING, AND ALSO THINK LEARNING HOW TO CALM MY ANXIETY AND LEARN HOW TO NOT BE SO HARD ON MY SELF MAYBE THROUGH YOGA OR ANTHING ELSE THAT I MIGHT BE INTRODUCED TO. AND OF COURSE MY ENTRENUER SPIRIT WILL ALWAYS BE ALIVE AND THINKING, SO IM EXCITED TO BEING INTRODUCED TO OILS, AROMATHERAPY, ETC. ILL TELL YOU SOMETHING NATURAL THAT CAN RELIEVE THE REDNESS AND SWELLING WOULD BE WONDERFUL. OHH AND THE POWER OF MASSAGE WHEN YOUR BODY FEELS LIKE ITS BEEN HIT BY A CAR, MASSAGE SEEMS WONDERFUL, AND SOMETHING THAT I AM EXCITED TO GET. I PRAY FOR MORE POSITIVE DAYS LIKE TODAY, AND I PRAY FOR ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THE SAME, MAY THEY ALL SEE BRIGHTER DAYS.

LET ME THROW UP A LITTLE

ANOTHER DAY OF WAKING UP TO STAY STILL,WOW THATS TOUGH! ALL I CAN DO IS SIT HERE  AND REFLECT ON HOW I GOT TO THIS POINT, AND THROUGH THE ANGER AND ANXIETY I CAN STILL (THANK GOD) SEE SOME LIGHT. LIKE I STATED BEFORE THIS IS A TOOL THAT I AM USING FOR "THERAPY" IVE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD HOW THERAPUTIC JOURNALING CAN BE AND I GUESS IM STARTING TO REALIZE JUST HOW BENEFICIAL IT CAN BE. ON THE OTHER HAND THE QUESTION MAY BE "WHY ONLINE",WELL FOR ONE I AM CHALLENGING A FEAR THAT I GUESS IVE ALWAYS HAD BUT NEVER WOULD COME TO TURNS WITH AND THAT IS TRULEY SHARING WITH PEOPLE WHO I AM, NOT MY PERSONALITY (BELIEVE ME THATS NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE), NOT MY VIEWS, BUT MY TRUE SELF MY TRUE SENSE OF BEING , ALL THE GARBAGE AND THE GOOD THAT DEVELOPED MY TRUE SENSE. SO I ACCEPT THAT CHALLENGE, I ALSO THOUGHT IF I COULD HAVE AN EFFECT OR ANY SENSE OF HEALING TO ANYONE WHO MIGHT RUN ACROSS THIS THEN ME PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE IS WELL WORTH THE STRUGGLE, AND PAIN. AS I EDUCATE MYSELF ON THIS "NEW PART OF MYSELF" CALL IT A SENSE OF DENIAL BUT IM NOT READY TO LABEL IT AS ANYTHING YET. ANYWAY AS I START TO EDUCATE MYSELF ON RSD I CANT DENY THE ANGER THAT COMES UP,FOR THREE YEARS I DID ALL I COULD BUT GET ON MY ONE KNEE AND BEG FOR HELP( THATS PROBABLY NOT TRUE BC  I PLEADED) THREE YEARS OF EXTREME KNEE PAIN, BUT ALWAYS TURNED AWAY BECAUSE I DIDNT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, OR THEY THINK YOUR A PILL POPPER. LET ME TELL YOU WHEN YOUR LOOKING IN A DOCTORS EYE AND BEGGING HIM TO HELP YOU,AND HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR YOU TO GIVE IN AND EVEN COME TO THE ER OR HOW HARD IT IS TO EVEN ASK FOR HELP, BUT STILL MANAGES TO THROW OUT THE WORDS "THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO FOR YOU" I DEVELOPED WHAT THEY CALL "WHIT COAT SYNDROME",(MAN THERE IS A NAME FOR EVERYTHING),BUT IT WAS TRUE BEFORE EVERY HOPEFUL DR'S APPT. (ME ALREADY HAVING HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE) I WOULD HAVE PANIC ATTACKS IN THE WAITING ROOM AND MY BP WOULD SPIKE TO ONCE 200/100 LET ME ADD I AM NOW 32. I WANT TO MAKE CLEAR THAT I DO BELIEVE THAT CERTAIN DR'S WERE SENT TO ME TO HELP BC THERE ARE A LOT OF FRUSTRATED DR'S OUT THERE WHO BELIEVE YOU,WANT TO HELP, BUT THERE HANDS ARE CLEARLY TIED. I THINK YOU'LL START TO SEE WHY I CALLED THIS ENTRY "LET ME THROW UP A LITTLE". ANYWAY I WAS IN SCHOOL TO FINISH MY REAL ESTATE LICENSE AND WAS WORKING FULL TIME,WE HAD A NICE SAVINGS ACCOUNT,LIVED ON THE BEACH, BUT NO INSURANCE. NOONE WOULD INSURE ME , WELL THEY WOULD, BUT NOONE WOULD COVER ANY SURGERY OR AFTER CARE BECAUSE THE "PRE-EXSITING" LABEL THAT WAS STAMPED ON MY RECORD. WELL IT GOT TO THE POINT WHERE I COULDNT WALK ANYMORE, THIS IS AFTER THREE YEARS OF ANY ACTIVITY, ICING MY SWOLEN FEET AND WATCHING MY KNEE CHANGE COLOR AS MUCH AS TEMPERATURE. I HAD ONLY ONE OPTION LEFT, ONE THAT MY PRIDE WAS TRYING TO AVOID FOR SO LONG, BUT COULD'NT AVOID ANY LONGER, I HAD TO QUIT MY JOB, CLAIM INDUGENCE, AND BEG THE COUNTY FOR HELP. STILL TO THIS DAY IT MAKES NO SENSE. IT PISSES ME OFF SO BAD, BECAUSE I SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO AVOID ANYTHING REMOTLY CLOSE TO THAT. I GOT INTRODUCED INTO MODELING AT A YOUNG AGE, IF IT WERENT FOR THE ATING DISORDER AND DRUG USE ISAW IN MY NEAR FUTURE I WOULD HAVE ACCEPTED THE DEAL IN THE MAKING AND IT WAS A NICE OFFER BEING INTRODUCED TO THE FASHION INDUSTRY BEING REP BY NEW YORK AND ITALY,BUT NOT FOR ME AND IM GLAD ABOUT MY DECISION, NO REGRETS. ONTO BREAKING MY BACK,BUT OPENING MY EYES TO A DIFFERENT ME, THEN GOING ONTO FL. WERE MY AUNT INTRODUCED ME TO THE WORLD OF DESIGN, BEING APART OF HUGE DESIGN PRODUCTIONS, BEING THE YOUNGEST AT A DESIGNER SHOWCASE AT THE RINGLING MANSION, ONTO STARTING MY OWN FAUX FINISHING COMPANY,AND THEN GETTING ACCEPTED TO ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGEUS DESIGN SCHOOLS IN CHICAGO. AFTER DECIDING MAYBE I LIKED DESIGNING MORE AS A HOBBY THEN A CAREER CHOICE I LATER DECIDED IN BETWEEN SOME SERIOUS DECISION MAKING ABOUT MY FUTURE THAT I WANTED TO EXPERIENCE OWNING A BAR. BARTENDING WAS ALWAYS FINANCIALY KIND TO ME IN AND OUT OF MY ENDEAVORS, AND I WAS VERY GOOD AT IT. SO THERE IT WAS I OWNED A BAR AT 26. BESIDES MEETING SOME EXTRAORDIANRY PEOPLE,AND MY BOYFRIEND (WHO IS AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE) OF 6 YEARS IT WAS TIME TO SELL, AND THE INJURY TO MY KNEE HAPPENED, SO IT SLOWED MY ABILITY AND INTEREST IN THE BIZ. OHHH MY RAMBLE MUCH MEREDITH WHERE WAS I , OHHH YEAH I WAS PISSED OFF- HA HA. I RESENTED THE DR'S, HOSPITALS,ANGERED THAT OUR COUNTRY COULDNT FIND ANY SOLUTION TO HELP ITS PEOPLE,PEOPLE WHO HAVE WORKED HARD, PAID TAXES,HAVE BEEN GOOD CITIZENS,SHIT HOW ABOUT NOT PLAY GOD AND HELP A HUMANS LIFE. I STARTED TO GET PISSED AT ALL THE CHARITY EVENTS I WOULD SEE FOR OTHER COUNTRIES ,AND IF YOU KNEW THE EXTREME LEVEL OF COMPASSION I HAVE FOR ANOTHERS LIFE YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND HOW THOSE FEELINGS MADE ME FEEL TERRIBLE. SO THERE IT WAS I CLAIMED INDUGENCE AND GOT MY SURGERY, FOLLED UP WITH PHYSICAL THERAPY, BUT NOW THE ECONOMY HAD COME TO ITS FULL DISFUNCTION. THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPLAIN WHAT LATER HAPPENED IS BY UNDERSTANING AND BELIEVING IN AHIGHER POWER(GOD) WHO I BELIEVE IN SO VERY MUCH, ALONG WITH MY ANGELS AND GUIDES WHO HELP ME EVERYDY. i FELT LIKE NO MATTER HOW MANY RESUMES, INTERVIEWS, SECOND INTERVIEWS, PROMISES BY HUGE COMPANIES AFTER I HAVE MADE PRESENTATIONS, IT DIDNT MATTER WHAT I DID SOMEONE DIDNT WANT ME IN FL ANYMORE AND THEY WERE MAKING IT VERY CLEAR. I HAD NEVER HAD SO MANY DOORS SLAM IN MY FACE, I WAS USE TO HARD WORK PAYING OFF IN PRETTY REMARKABLE WAYS, BUT THIS WAS DIFFERENT I COULD FEEL IT IN MY SOUL, I WAS SUPPOSE TO COME HOME. MIGHT I ADD BEING GONE FOR THREE YEARS THE AMOUNT OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS THAT MY FAMILY HAD GONE THROUGH WAS UNIMAGINABLE. MY BEAUTIFUL, MOST AMAZING STEP FATHER PASSED AWAY, AND MY MOM WAS AND IS STILL BROKEN OVER IT, WE ALL ARE FEELING THAT IMENSE LOSS, BUT HER ESPECIALLY. ALONG WITH MY GRANDPA AND COUSIN'S LOSS THINGS WERE TOUGH, MY MOM WAS ALSO HAVING SOME PRETTY SERIOS SURGERIES, AND IT WAS TIME TO COME HOME. NOW I KNOW IVE HAD SOME KIND OF GROWTH BECAUSE THE FACT THAT IM ABOUT TO ADMIT IM EXPERIENCING A LOT OF DISCOMFORT FROM SITTING HERE TYPING IS SOMETHING I WOULDNT HAVE ADMITED A WEEK A GO. SO TO BE CONTINUED........

learning

Oh the famous line, I never thought i would be doing this. My name is Meredith, and I just got out of the hospital after being diagnosed with RSD, and understanding,learning, and i think more importantly accepting has been the hardest.The fact that doctors are still trying to completley understand the "disorder", "disease" what the hell do you call it, there is still a lot of fear for I certainly never thought I would ever have something limit me. I say that, but will never act on that, I want to make very clear that nothing could ever limit me,and my dreams,and everything I have been working so hard for. I would also like to state I need a creative way to get some of this out ,and I figure if there is someone out there like me what could it hurt to make a connection. I tend to lean on sarcasim,I have my whole life,and I for one think its wonderful,and also believe you need a sense of humor in this world we live,especially when your thrown such a curve ball. I believe my positive attitude and sense of humor will make some of my not so fun days a little brighter. Like I said before Im new to this,and know for sure the amount of layers dealing with this"disorder", Ill admit Im chipping away at it because Im not ready to see all that is related to RSD. All I know is I just spent 6 days in the hospital,been home for 5, and have been trying to register why my body feels like I was in a car accident,and why my legs feel like their hanging over a bon fire,and there hasnt been an amount of drugs to take it all away.I guess patience is key in the beginning since there feels like a new symptom everyday you try to learn what drug/therapy regiment will work for you.I will be reading,studying,and truley try to understand what this is doing to me,and I know through time i will, because i dont give up easy.I will say this for a fact, if your blessed to have a supporting,loving,unbelievable family like i do then you are blessed,because out of all this pain, my assurance of a remission feels real because of the wonderful love of my family that God has blessed me with.